BDSM

I'm often asked questions about the BDSM lifestyle, as though I'm some guru or all-knowing being here at my abode in Texas.  Often, the questions are "do all doms ..." or "is every sub ...."  kind of stuff.  I think my answers to many are a disappointment to them, but I stand by my answers.  There is no such thing as "all doms" or "all subs" around here.  There never was, and there never will be such a thing as that.  We're all individuals and those of us involved in BDSM will take and give what we will, according to abilities, desires, and requirements.  I, for instance, am not into ropes.  I tell people the truth when I say I wear sneakers with Velcro because I don't even like tying shoes, for Pete's sake.  Does this make me less of a dom than a highly skilled rigger who could tie up seven girls with a spool of dental floss?  No, I don't think so.  It simply means that ropes and knots aren't my thing.  That same mystical rigger might not even consider flogging a chick, and he's not a lesser dom, it's just that flogging ain't something he likes to do. 

I frequently get the questions of "is it submissive if ..." or "is it dominant if ..." and the answer is the same.  I've told people time without number that your BDSM is what you and your partner make of it, and don't let anyone, not even the great Lucas X. Black, dictate the terms of your relationship to you.  There are too many variables, too many nuances, to impose any form of "one size fits all" onto this.  My stock remark is "it has to be what works with you and your partner."  I might toss in a suggestion here and there, and often have, and probably often will, but the flat fact of the matter is, it all comes back to "what works for you and your partner in this?" 

To this, I would add that we all evolve as we live our lives.  Things that excited us 20 years ago are old hat now in some cases, and things that might've seemed utterly freakish in the long-ago are deeply appealing now.  And sometimes a pair evolves differently, needs and desires don't intersect as they did in the ago.  Sometimes that means a relationship is coming to its natural end.  Sometimes one partner or the other swallows it and does what pleases the other, stifling their own needs in the process.   I don't judge that either.  You have to do what works best for you.

I likewise despise the kink shaming that goes on all too often here, where someone thinks they are arbiters of the One True Faith of BDSM and all variances are anathema to the lifestyle.  I call bullshit on that too, ladies and gents.  In another article, I'll take on SSC and RACK, but I'll leave it to say if you disapprove of another's kink, then don't participate in it.  It's really that simple.  I know people who are totally into choking and breath play, for instance.  That ain't my bag, but to each his own.  Nobody got killed or prosecuted and both partners came away from it satisfied and I simply say more power to 'em.  I'm not into the DD/lg thing either, but why do I care if that's what gets someone else's motor running?  But by that same token, don't try telling me I'm not a "real dom" because of what I may or may not be into doing.  I've never harmed another human being in my life, and I hope to be able to make that claim with my dying breath in the fullness of time.  Primum non nocere.  It's from the Hippocratic Oath and means "first, do no harm."  If I ever get a tattoo, that'll be on the thing.

So is this all clear as mud to y'all now?  Long and short, take what you want and need from this lifestyle and give your partner what your partner wants and needs that you're able to do, and if you're both happy, then piss on what anyone else thinks of it.

LXB